Siren no. 13
“Getting older helped. Understanding the role hormones played in my thoughts, helped. Volunteering my time to help children and women heal, helped.”
Laurel
She/Her
Depression
Content Warning: Sexual Assault
Way back in 1976 I declared to my friends and family that I was officially declaring myself to be The Third Sex. Not male, but definitely not female. I hated the stereotypes that were asserted on me, the incredible lack of respect for my body, mind, will, hopes, and dreams. Sadly there were times I was met with, “Oh aren’t you cute,” ass-smacking and lip-licking as they stared hungrily at my 12-year-old vagina. Truly disgusting I know, but absolutely a large part of my youth.
Today I am proud to be a woman with caveats. Learning how to physically defend myself has done wonders for my sense of safety. Don’t ever assume that I can’t or won’t kick your (“your” being the collective) ass if necessary in defending myself and I promise I will speak up if push comes to shove. I am okay if you walk away from me not liking me. I probably don’t like you either.
As a survivor of consistent sexual, physical and emotional assault from my earliest memories through my early teens, my mental health journey was rough as f***. I was “saved” from this abuse through a bit of luck with the city services available at that time in my hometown. I had a physical altercation with my mother that brought her to the hospital. At that time the city mandated my family participate in some of their local programs. It was there that I discovered my whole life was filled with criminal behaviors. They also informed me that because I was a child of abuse, I would more than likely assault children myself. Needless to say, I was mortified! Dealing with this knowledge, I have spent huge portions of my life in counseling, dealing with triggers, wanting to die, self-harming, escapism, you name it.
The good news: all that work helped. Not all people that have been sexually assaulted become pedophiles or beat their children or tell their children that they aren't important, and shame on those that think otherwise. Getting older helped. Understanding the role hormones played in my suicidal thoughts, helped. Volunteering my time to help children and women heal, helped. Learning how to protect myself, helped. And little by little, experience to experience, trial, error, faith, love, practice, failure, time, forgiveness, boundary-setting, has all created a warmth of confidence that is mostly quiet but truly fierce.