Siren no. 2
“We just don’t have to worry about you.”
Lis
She/Her
Associate Administrative Support
Anxiety, Depression
My mental health journey starts in college. I knew from high school that I wanted to go to a college out of state so I could really explore the country and get to know myself as an individual. When I went to Colorado for school I had no idea it would initiate my sense of not only being independent, but a feeling of being "left alone".
Even from a younger age I was told by my family and friends that I had been very independent and self-reliant for a lot of my problems. The phrase "we just don't have to worry about you" was something I heard a lot. It almost instilled this obligation that I had to be strong and not share my problems. I had always been afraid to talk to my doctor about any sort of medication because A. I didn't want to become dependent on medication, and B. again, that feeling of "well, I can stay strong, I don't need meds". I had this internal dialogue of "well other people have it worse than me, I'll be fine".
This mentality is what pushed me to a few breakdowns and severe feelings of inadequacy. Whether or not it was true, I didn't feel that my friends and family cared enough to check in on me at times because I had been strong enough in the past to deal with my issues alone. When I finally talked to my doctor and got on a low-dose depression/anxiety medication, I clearly remember my brother-in-law congratulating me with a "Welcome to the club!", almost as if it was a rite of passage to be a member of my own family. In their eyes I now suddenly "understood" what everyone dealt with, and no one thought to ask if I had already figured that out years before.
That was a turning point for me in my mental health journey, not only because I realized getting help was not anything to be ashamed of, but also that maybe now my family would check in. I still struggle to this day with feelings of being forgotten because I choose to live far away. We all make choices and I think my family has yet to understand that for my own mental health, out west is where I need to be. Regardless, I have a much better understanding of my mental health and how to equalize my internal dialogue when it comes to my lonely feelings.