Siren no. 11
“I'm endlessly frustrated with how difficult it's been to get consistent care when it comes to things like fatigue, weight change, and emotional duress from medications that are supposed to be helping me feel better.”
Laurel
She/Her
Training Officer for the City of Baltimore
PMDD, potential ADHD
I had been on a slow transition from one medication to another, and once I made the full switch I felt the worst I've ever felt in my entire life. I was incredibly anxious, unable to focus, and generally despondent. It took an entire month for me to get in touch with my psychiatrist and get back on a low dose of my previous medication to mitigate the effects of the new medication. My psychiatrist left the practice where she was working, so I'm still on the low dose of the first medication as well as a full dose of the new medication that didn't work. I don't have an appointment with a new psychiatrist until early September. In May I also finally had an evaluation for ADHD--it was a six hour online test. The neuropsychiatrist told me he thinks I don't have any cognitive disabilities and that my symptoms stem from perfectionism. He suggested I see a sleep specialist for fatigue and didn't have any other suggestions for me regarding the symptoms I thought were due to ADHD. It took two months to get a referral for the sleep specialist and I have to go in for a lab study in September. It's been a difficult spring and summer.
In the wake of all of this, I've realized that with my struggles with PMDD that I can't continue to care for my dog. I adopted her in October 2020 with hopes that she would help bring me some comfort during an uncertain time in the world. Turns out that she is just as anxious as I am, which makes her reactive to many people and things. While the last two years have been filled with a lot of small wins and goofy playtimes, they've also been filled with expensive behavioral training and some very stressful interactions with both strangers and friends. I spent three weeks away from her and when I came back and took her on a walk I immediately felt a difference in my body--my heart raced, my muscles tightened, my heart beat faster. I am heartbroken to have made the decision this week to start the process of rehoming her, but as soon as I said it out loud, I also felt relief. I am really proud that I know now to pay attention to how my body feels, as often the somatic clues give me real insight into how to name my emotions.
I'm endlessly frustrated with how difficult it's been to get consistent care from and be listened to by doctors when it comes to things like fatigue, weight change, and emotional duress from medications that are supposed to be helping me feel better. For a little while I felt like I had a handle on my PMDD, and after this year I feel like I'm still looking for a mooring in choppy seas.