Siren no. 4

“It feels like a black mark, like as a wife and mother and professional I'm expected to just have it all under control when I very, very much do not.”

Whitney

Whitney
She/Her
Communications & Brand Manager for Loyola Blakefield
Affiliate Professor at Loyola University MD
Severe Postpartum Depression

After the birth of my first daughter, things felt difficult (I suppose to be expected as a new mother), but not unmanageable. I was able to control most of my feelings and emotions without any outside help. 

The birth of my second daughter, combined with the very beginnings of the COVID pandemic, grad school, and a lot of increased responsibilities at work sent me into an extremely dark place. Many nights I cried uncontrollably seemingly over nothing, felt constantly like I was a horrible mother to both of my children, and that the entire world was completely out of my control. My second daughter was almost a year old when I decided to finally seek professional help. I was diagnosed with severe PPD that I am still working to get under control to this day. I personally have a very hard time letting other people know that--to me it feels like a black mark, like as a wife and mother and professional (etc.) I'm expected to just "have it all under control" when I very, very much do not. 

Even medicated I still have a hard time getting these feelings under any semblance of control. I constantly feel like a terrible mother, terrible wife, and terrible employee, when absolutely nobody makes me feel this way but myself. I still have flashing thoughts of "what if I just wasn't here anymore". I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, per se, as I don't think I could ever actively take any steps towards that outcome, but the thoughts do swirl around in my head occasionally. I love my children with every ounce of my soul, and wouldn't ever go back and change anything about having them, but the societal pressure of being the Mom With It All is absolutely draining.