Siren no. 9

“It has been the biggest joy of my life to uncover a tender, imperfect, lovable self at the core of my coping mechanisms.”

LEANNA

She/Her
Nonprofit Director
Anxiety/Depression

When I first saw a therapist at age 27, I told her I was there to figure out how to be happy in my marriage. What happened instead was a divorce followed by a five-year journey to understand the life story that had first led me to her office. I screamed at my mom a lot. I did some binge drinking, followed by some sobriety. I had a few panic attacks. It often felt that turning around to look at the trauma behind me was harder than just continuing to be pressed down by its weight for the rest of my life. And it felt impossible to show up at work, go to a party, be a good friend, when this decades-long crisis was suddenly with me everywhere I went. I thought a lot about wanting to be dead instead. But I'm still alive, and I'm getting to know myself all over again, with a more honest and compassionate understanding of my own story. In the end, the trauma I understand is so much less powerful than the trauma I don't. And it has been the biggest joy of my life to uncover a tender, imperfect, lovable self at the core of my coping mechanisms.